


more than meets where's the lie

by sitronation (Nitrobot)



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Gen, Joke Fic, Not Serious, Swearing, i mean I do seriously hate these comics but, in which I give zero fucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-04-21 13:32:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4830929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nitrobot/pseuds/sitronation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i feel really bad for rodimus bc these comics are pretty shit tbh</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"RISE AND SHINE GANG WEVE GOT SHIT TO DO AND MONEY TO MAKE" rodimus said as he kicked the door to the thingy they all live in down.

"turn out the FUCKING light rodimus im trying to sLEEP" prowl the grumpy piece of shit said, pulling a table over his head cause thats what he does I guess?

"Well u know what just for that no galactic quest for you" roddy pouted, turnign his back on prowl.

Prowl just went pfffffft at him. "Whatver ive got a hot girlfriend here to bang anyway."

then chromedome appeared in the doorway like, "uh prowl under our continuitys canon and arcee's past it is very problematic to call him/her a girl as we are supposed to be an all male race and he/she had gender forced upon him/her so-"

"Oh my goooood just shut the fuck up everyone left like five hours ago," Rodimus groaned into the empty room

 

**xx**

 

"Rodimus are you literally just filling this ship with characters not good enough for any other media," drift asked

"Well of course i am that's why you're here you goddamn anime fucker" Rodimus confirmed.

"That was rude and uncalled for" Drift sniffled.

"Are you bringing that hatsune miku body pillow on board or what cause its starting to creep people out" roddy asked pointing to the pillow under Drift's shoulder. 

As Draft pouted and pulled his shame inside Rodimus saw some kind of tiny baby robot besdie cyclonus and screeched "What the absolute fFUCk is that hidesous thing"

Cyclonus looked down only just noticing the thing. "Idk some kind of midget maybe?" he said.

"Oh god its looking at me get rid of it"

"ok" and then cyclonus stepped on him and tailgate was finally dead thank god

 

**xx**

 

"Okay so because SOMEONE thought it was a good idea to have a fucking serial killer on board weve just had the most easily preventable rampage ever," rodimus said while wiping energon off his leg because thats how you get robot ants. "Casualty list ultra magnus?"

"No one important" he said

"What a fucking surprise," rodimus said as he turned to face Magnus like- "ROBOT CHRIST MAGNUS WHAT THE FUcK HAPPENED TO YOU"

Magnus was confused and looked up at rodimus. "I dont know what u mean my child." 

"YOURE GREEN AND YOUVE GOT A MUSTACHE OR SOME SHIT ITS WEIRD"

"Oh yeah i was a minicon playing dress up this whole time who woulda thought"

Rodimus stared at him because "thats the dumbest fucking thibg ive ever heard" 

and then Magnus got bitchy as hell "IM BEAUTIFUL THE WAY PRIMUS MADE ME FUCK U!!"

 

**xx**

 

"Where the fuck is brainstorm not that anyone actually cares," Rodimus asked to whoever the hell is even left at this point. Skids maybe? yeah he's bland enough let's go with him.

"Well it turns out he was a decepticon-"

"I knew it that cheeky wee cunt" roddy said smugly.

"And his briefcase had the end of the world in it," Skids added.

"wait what"

"or something I don't know man I lost track of this shit months ago" Skids shrugged. "And lots of other pointless people died I guess."

"Right ok." Rodimus turned to the autobots. "As captain I am initiating the 'fuck this shit and everything related to it' protocol. Autobots, transform and gtfo out of here."

But before they could make their great escape there was a shadow in the doorway. And the myserious shadow was......

"Megatron waht the fuck are you up to now you walking cheese grater," Rodimus asked

"well you see i got this new body-"

"Yeah I can see its ugly as fuck" 

"And it symbolises the fact that ive changed and want to become an autobot bascically" Megatron said with a smile like :)

Rodimus was more like :/ "uh, no, you killed all my friends, so fuck off?" 

"Youve never had friends you bastardised elevator," Megatron said.

"Point taken but still fuck off"

Megatron looked sad but then he picked up Ravage. "What if I bring this cat with me?"

Roddy thought about it. "Ehhhh okay"

 

**xx**

 

_many years and alcoholic drinks later_

 

"LOOK OUT RODIMUS ITS AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES MADE UP OF ALL THE LESS IMPORTANT DEAD CHARACTERS AND MEGATRONS LEADING THEM CAUSE HIS FACTION CHANGE MADE NO GODDAMN SENSE" drift yelled and pointed at the things he just said. Megatron was even more ugly. 

Rodimus looked at the army of bullshit and turned away. "Yeah no I'm not doing this fake space opera shit anymore goodbye"

"rodimus no we've got like hunderds more issues to do-"

"I SAID I'M FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHIT, DRIFT" Rodimus screeched, tearing a panel aside and jumping out of it.

"youre the main character you cant just leave-"

"GET SOMEONE TO REPLACE ME ALL THE CHARACTERS ARE THE FUCKING SAME FOUR KINDS ANYWAY" Roddy ordered as he plummetted into a black abyss. Conveniently, Windblade was there as well.

"What was even the point of all this," Rodimus sighed, taking a seat beside her.

"Well I think you were supposed to be looking for incredibly vague knights of Cybertron but then you all got really distracted," Windblade said.

"Oh yeaaaah," Rodimus remembered. "Y'know it's almost as if we're being written by people who have no idea what they're doing."

"Well, Rodimus, look on the bright side," Windblade assured, patting his shoulder. "At least your own writer didn't ruin you."

"Oh, yeah, you got fUCKED UP MAN like _jESUS **C H R I ST**_ "


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Radmus returns to Canon Hell but hes got a girlfriend now get in there my son

"AAAAAAAAAAH" Rodimus went yell, wakin up coverd in sweet. "Oh lawd i had a horrible dream" he sighed.

"Oh no what about" asked an orange girl while she was settin fire to the pillow

"Who the fuck are you" roddy said

"Im Firestar the one ya banged last night ya daft monkey"

"Oh sweet” rodimus grinned

“I com from a planet called Caminos. Its where all girls come from”

“wait if all girls come from one planet ive never heard of then who da fuck did i have for strippers at my 18th birthday”

Firestir shrug. “i dunno dude I dont make the shit canon, I just get forced into it”

“Same” rodimus said with a blegh. “Anyway i dreamt i was in a bad comic."

"Nah that's real welcome to hell” firestar said

"FUCK" 

 

**xx**

 

Becaause he could only walow in self existentil despare for a few hours a day, Rodimos eventuly got up aftwr bangign the hot fire girl some more times. But she told him to fuk off cause his dick aint even that great tbh. And he calls it his Rodimast what a loser. Anyway he stopsd by the nerd lab of Doing Absolutely Fuck All and looked in on naughtica andn her science harem

“right wtfs goin on here then” he asked

“well we foudn a way into another world” cukclonus said

“alrite cool”

“and then we found out it was full of zombies and some guys cant get back”

“you fucking penis monkey” rodimus said.

“dont worry rodmus i am on the case” Nightbeet promised.

“you couldnt solve a fuckgn jigsaw puzzle m8 let alone this broken klein bottle of a plot” rodimus groned.

“um excuse me ive seen every episod of Castle twice i kno what im doing” nightbeat protestd.

And then Tarn and Friends showed up like "hi were here for ya organs"

"AND WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU WALKING HOT TOPIC STORES BEEN FOR THE PAST 40 ISSUES OF THIS SHIT" rodmus screeched.

"uh I had a pretty wild bachelor party sorry" Tarn apoligies. “look at my tiny Nickel wife tho” And he held up a hella tiny blue ball of anger and rage.

"Whatever anyway” Rodmus was about to sy something like the funnyman he is but then… megatran appeared in the doorway askign where the bathroom is.

“oh robot jesus fwhat the fuck is thr walking proof of no god exisitng doing here” rodimus asked, while the decepticon jelly doughnuts kept starin at nauticas butt.

“im an autobot remember” megagron said with :) face

“FUCK THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED?” rodimus made a long whinge sound cause hes five and doesnt like mass murderers. “Rite youre still a cheeky cunt and i dont trust you no matter how many squiggles u put on your chest,” he sed, remembering the hella bad dream he had where megs did the obvious thing and fuckd them all up. Foreshadowing??? No, thats a good literary technique they dont exist in this universe, he figured.

But before he could tell megs where he could go fuck himself, suddenly there was a crash. Big bot come in looking like someone threw up after eatin a bunch of crayolas. 

“I AM VICTORIAN” she boom, before standing on megatron and the donuts with a squish. “BYE” she sed and was never seen again.

“well thank fuck that thing was hideous” rodimus sighed in relief.

“IF YOU WANT TO KNO HIDEOUS, LOOK AT THE FACeS OF ALL YOUR FRENDS I KILLED” a growl said, and out of darknss of the ship coridor came…

Wait is that supposed to be elita one. The??? The elita. The same elita who ws the autobot queen? No. No this thing looks like a broken stick of deodorant had a baby with a sonic OC what the actual fuck. 0/10 for effort.

“WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID U SDO WOTH THE REAL ELITA” rodmus yelled.

“I ATE HeR AND THis IS HER HED THAT Im WEARING” she cakcled with so much edge even shadow the hedhegog wuld have ben jealous. But what the bad design devil didnt know what she was standin beside a door, and the door opened and slammed her right in the ugly fuckin face. 

Prowl was standin in the doorway. “rodimus i used all your condoms and let me tell u son no wonder you dont get laid those things were shit. Anyway im banging Arcee over ur desk cause your a shit boss bye.” Then he closed the door and Eloserta was literally flattened agains the wall. Pretty shit mural but thats was interior decorators are for.

“b-but… but muh murderous rage..” she spluttered, someho still alive. “muh bold reinvented character?!!!”

“GET BACK ON YOUR THRONE OF DICKS AND FUCK OFF BACK TO THE DEVIANTART HELL YOU CAME FROM” rodimuz ordered before slammin the door closed on her. And the evil was defeated… for now.

“the evil has been defeated… for now.” i just said that rodimus you cheeky git but whatever. 

“what will you do now roddy,” natica asked.

“i dunno. Maybe go out with a bang. Star in Transformers 5.”

“Take us with you pls” everyone pleaded.

“FUCK NO YALL GOT THE PERSONALITES OF MILK CARTONS IM OUT” he yelled before escaping with firestar because she deserves better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ive now officially ran out of ways to mock IDW. I am complete.


	3. The last one for real this time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out i lied i still have things to take the piss out of bc mad and bored

onse again rodimus was alseep with his fire wife… an once again was rudly awaken. 

“get the fuck up you assantenna” some floating spiky kleenex tissue said o shit wait that's uh. Uh what was his name. Shock? Ore? There was a stupid fuckin pun about both of them that didnt even make sense so good riddance roddy thought. An then he said “oh shit wheres the ghost busters when you need them”

“that is true rodimus prim we are the ghosts of all the characters who have died pointlessly for nothing but shock value” another spook said

“well i can tell cause I literally cant remember who the fuck any of you are.” rodimsu pointed to the ugliest one drinkin from a sippy cup. “like you what the fuck did you even do”

“my dad stood on me back in the first chaptr of this shit” he answerd

“oh yeah cyclons has a shit ton of Child support to pay,” rodimus remembered. Then he pointe dto another “and you the ugly ass little camera whats the point of you”

“uh…” the camera scratched his tiny head after takin way too many selfies. “well I'm gay”

“yes weve established that but whats your personality? Whats your motivation aside of that?? What makes you a character and not just a walking collection of superfiical traits???”

“well i dont have any really, all people really cared about was the gay thing,” rewind said with a sigh. “Can I tell ya something roddy? I was actually gonna divorse that chrome piece of shit. He never fuckin makes his bed, never lets me choose what channel to watch, and does he ever get the energon? NOooooOoOOOOoOoo let the one who can barely lift one cube get it all. Goddamn conjerk endickface. I never even liked him, its like we just got plucked right outta our innocent canon and dumped together for no reason other than to make a meaningless statement about gays in comics. Dyou think i like being a beacon of the fact that people dont give a shit about good storytelling or characterisation as long as theres some kind of minority to latch onto? I deserve better than this go d damit.”

Rodimus stared at redwind while he pouted even tho he had a mask so not really. “so you died just to avoid breaking up with chromedick?” he asked

“pretty much”

“Fuckin nice high five” Reweind had to use both tiny hands to hit rodimus’ one and it was actually really cute. 

But the ghosties were gettin impatient. “anyway avenge our deaths already” a very flat lookin one said.

“do I look like captain america or some shit to you” rodimus said

“actually you kinda look like iron man-”

“rehtorical question, dickbanquet. But still why the fuck would i do that”

“cause you have literally nothing better to do other than jack off to playmech”

“shit you got me there” rodimus frowed n tapped his chin. “right who did the thing to all you cause megatron is dead praise the lord”

“the writers, man,” some kind of elf with facial hair said

“the what”

“I mean, the evil gods of this hellish existence,” santa’s ugly helper corrected. “You gotta kill em”

“what is this a fuckin anime now”

“but u gotta”

Rodimus whined “how am i supposed to do that” 

“Lemme make this clearer ok. You.”

“I’m following so far.”

“Gotta.”

“nah ya lost me”

“Fuck this we’re going to a strip club” the ghosts all agreed.

“sweet can I come with” roddy asked with his roddymast out

“no its a gay one we’re getting rewind a decent boyfriend who doesnt have fuvkin freddy krueger hands.”

The rodimast deflated and roddy went aww.“well good luck with that m8 all the good guys are in different continuities.” tehn the gosts left and he went back to sleep, and then woke up wit a ragegin bonner even tho Firestar was gone :’(

The end???

I hope so im running out of jokes and someones bound to be sending me death threats on tumblr by now


End file.
